{"id":6967,"date":"2025-07-10T15:23:05","date_gmt":"2025-07-10T15:23:05","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/panoramanews.com.ng\/?p=6967"},"modified":"2025-07-10T15:23:05","modified_gmt":"2025-07-10T15:23:05","slug":"the-nigerian-politician-the-benevolent-scavenger","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/panoramanews.com.ng\/index.php\/2025\/07\/10\/the-nigerian-politician-the-benevolent-scavenger\/","title":{"rendered":"The Nigerian Politician: The Benevolent Scavenger\u00a0"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/p>\n

By Publisher<\/p>\n

Kindly share:\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n

In the grand theatre of Nigerian politics, where promises are the props and the masses the perpetual audience, one actor always steals the spotlight;\u00a0the Nigerian Politician. Dressed in crisp agbada with a rehearsed smile and an entourage as long as a traffic jam, he parades as a servant of the people while feasting at their expense. He is the Benevolent Scavenger, a curious breed who scavenges for riches beneath the pretence of public service.<\/p>\n

This politician is not born but made,\u00a0in the backrooms of smoky political meetings, moulded by opportunism, and baptised in the holy waters of patronage. He emerges, not with ideas, but with slogans. Not with a plan, but a pocket,\u00a0deep, expansive, and perpetually empty until filled by public funds.<\/p>\n

His first miracle is always theatrical. He weeps on the campaign stage, holding a child from a rented orphanage, swearing by ancestors and the constitution to uplift the downtrodden. \u201cMy people,\u201d he says, \u201cyour suffering is my suffering.\u201d Meanwhile, his campaign team is distributing branded rice and \u20a6500 notes to secure votes. He doesn’t buy votes; he calls it “appreciation.” And the masses, ever hungry, ever hopeful, collect,\u00a0because in Nigeria, poverty is both a tool and a tactic.<\/p>\n

He declares war on corruption with one hand while the other hand signs inflated contracts to companies owned by his barber and childhood best friend. A borehole project appears in the budget for \u20a635 million,\u00a0dug halfway, then abandoned like every promise he ever made. \u201cWe are empowering communities,\u201d his spokesman says. Empowerment, in Nigerian politics, often means donating sewing machines without needles and clippers without blades.<\/p>\n

In the name of constituency projects, he builds invisible bridges and opens phantom ICT centres stocked with two broken laptops and a banner that reads: \u201cTouching Lives.\u201d These projects exist only in photos, with ribbon-cutting ceremonies attended by confused villagers and a photographer flown in from Abuja.\u00a0Meanwhile, he has collected billions of naira for constituency projects execution in concert with proxy rogues.<\/p>\n

Come election season, the politician becomes a humanitarian. He hands out wrappers, distributes used motorcycles, and organises free medical checkups that involve one blood pressure machine and a WhatsApp group. He reappears in forgotten towns with a bag of rice in one hand and a loudspeaker in the other, declaring: \u201cI have come to fulfill my promise.\u201d The people clap, not because they believe, but because they know the rice won\u2019t last forever.<\/p>\n

The election itself is a different kind of performance. Votes are cast, but the real voting happens later,\u00a0in dark rooms, through doctored figures and compromised collation officers, planted by ever-greased, pliant electoral officers.\u00a0When the results are announced, it\u2019s less about democracy and more about arithmetic gymnastics\u00a0wherein the last could become the first and first the last. \u201cWe won fair and square,\u201d he says, flanked by\u00a0atrocious\u00a0men in\u00a0dark goggles. Fairness, of course, is defined by who owns the server.<\/p>\n

If dragged to court, he invokes technicalities, counterclaims, and divine intervention.\u00a0He is the one who tells you to go to court for obvious reasons.\u00a0\u201cLet the courts decide,\u201d he says, knowing full well that the judiciary, too, has learned the art of negotiation. If the verdict swings his way, he gives thanks. If not, he defects to another party and starts afresh,\u00a0new colour, same intentions. More so, if caught in the web of corruption, he defects to the ruling party, and his sins are washed away.<\/p>\n

Once in power, the Nigerian Politician becomes a motivational speaker. Every press conference begins with a proverb and ends with a threat. Questions about accountability are brushed aside with tales of sabotage and long-term vision. \u201cRome wasn\u2019t built in a day,\u201d he reminds the press, though he\u2019s only managed to\u00a0renovate\u00a0one roundabout in four years,\u00a0and it floods during the rainy season.<\/p>\n

His convoy expands. Twenty cars become forty. His security detail grows, while citizens sleep with one eye open. He jets to conferences abroad, discussing poverty with billionaires, while his state hospitals lack syringes. He posts photos of international meetings, while his local schools crumble. \u201cWe are learning best practices,\u201d he tweets. Best practices do not include functioning infrastructure.<\/p>\n

Behold the politician as a philanthropist, the man who donates what he first diverted. His\u00a0Humanitarian Gesture is without rival<\/em>. In a grand event aired on live TV, he commissions boreholes with ceremonial scissors, gifts cows to widows, and pays WAEC fees for ten lucky students (whose results mysteriously vanish the following year).<\/p>\n

He builds “world-class” primary health centres that look like upcycled poultry sheds, and every December, he shares Christmas rice with labels featuring his face larger than the bag itself. \u201cHe gave us food!\u201d the people cry, conveniently forgetting they paid for it twice.<\/p>\n

In times of disaster, whether flood, fire, or famine,\u00a0he visits with photographers, not engineers.\u00a0When flooding displaces a village, the politician arrives by helicopter (because roads are for peasants), surveys the destruction from the air, and drops relief materials like an overfed Santa Claus: four cartons of Indomie, a bag of expired beans, and one inspirational tweet.\u00a0Relief materials are announced in bulk but arrive in sachets. He promises investigation panels whose reports are never seen.\u00a0\u00a0He makes cyclic promises of never again and disappears, only to resurface during calamities next time.<\/p>\n

Meanwhile, the youth, the future of tomorrow that never comes,\u00a0receive lectures about hard work, often from those who have never held a job outside politics. When protests erupt, he calls for dialogue, preferably from the comfort of a bulletproof vehicle. \u201cWe must protect lives and property,\u201d he says, while security forces aim teargas at\u00a0hungry\u00a0teenagers.<\/p>\n

Yet, in every election cycle, he returns. Older, wealthier, slicker. He changes slogans like clothes and parties like seasons. \u201cThis time, we will get it right,\u201d he assures. And the people, bruised but hopeful, give him another chance,\u00a0because in Nigeria, hope is the only currency more abundant than corruption.<\/p>\n

At the end of his term, having served his people with passion, plunder, and occasional prayers, the politician prepares to leave office, often into the warm embrace of Senate chambers or the amnesia of EFCC. But retirement is never the end. He is called once again by destiny (or a plea bargain) to “continue the good work,” usually by launching a new political party, defecting to an old one, or declaring interest in the presidency, \u201cif the people insist.\u201d<\/p>\n

And the people do insist. Not because they love him, but because he is the only option with enough stolen funds to mobilise the\u00a0grassroots\u00a0(also known as professional praise singers). His posters re-emerge. His slogans are recycled. His lies are repackaged. And the cycle begins again.<\/p>\n

The Nigerian politician\u00a0does not retire;\u00a0he aspires\u00a0to continue his acts of benevolence. From senator to governor, from governor to presidency, or even party chairman\u00a0or traditional ruler. Power is not a service, but a career path. He declares: \u201cExperience matters!\u201d Experience, in his context, means mastering the art of doing nothing while perfecting the act of appearing busy.<\/p>\n

Thus, the Benevolent Scavenger thrives. He smiles, he waves, he loots. And the people, weary yet resilient, keep watching the same play,\u00a0clapping not out of joy, but out of habit. Hmmm,\u00a0the people.\u00a0They are\u00a0the supporting cast in this sordid epic: A long-suffering, long-smiling ensemble of hopeful pessimists. They joke, they tweet, they pray. On Mondays, they curse politicians; on Tuesdays, they beg them for transport fare. On Wednesdays, they trend hashtags for justice; on Thursdays, they queue for rice from the same men they hashtagged.<\/p>\n

When a politician builds a bridge to nowhere, they cheer. When he donates money to a foreign university while local ones strike, they clap. When he buys a mansion in Dubai, they whisper, \u201cAt least he\u2019s not as bad as the last one.\u201d<\/p>\n

This, after all, is Nigeria, where memory is short, satire is reality, and the theatre of politics is both tragedy and comedy. The politician knows this. He knows that with enough time, hunger, and handouts, he can always return.<\/p>\n

In the end, the Nigerian Politician may be many things:\u00a0a liar, a looter, a legend,\u00a0but above all, he is a master illusionist. He feeds on the system while claiming to fix it, and when questioned, he dons the robe of sacrifice. \u201cI have given my life to public service,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n

Indeed. And he has taken the nation\u2019s soul as collateral.<\/p>\n

And ever prayerful, he prays:\u00a0Oh God of self-preservation, bless my offshore accounts. Strengthen my media team, that they may spin even the ugliest truths into the fabric of fake news. Let my enemies be distracted by minor scandals, and may the people remain just hopeful enough to forget. Above all, grant me the grace to keep pretending I care, until I can finally afford to stop pretending. <\/em>Amen.<\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

By Publisher Kindly share:\u00a0 In the grand theatre of Nigerian politics, where promises are the props and the masses the…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":6800,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[11],"tags":[1517],"class_list":["post-6967","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-column-opinion","tag-nigerian-politicians"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Nigerian Politician: The Benevolent Scavenger\u00a0 - Panorama News<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/panoramanews.com.ng\/index.php\/2025\/07\/10\/the-nigerian-politician-the-benevolent-scavenger\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"The Nigerian Politician: The Benevolent Scavenger\u00a0 - 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